


In Sincerity

by Kenocka



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Coming Out, One-sided pining, Pining, coming out via a letter, unrequited pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:34:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22812415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kenocka/pseuds/Kenocka
Summary: I like you.
Kudos: 3





	In Sincerity

_'Write. Just write. Write anything. Just write something and you can rewrite the letter later. You can always get more paper and rewrite the letter later! You've written letters before! None of them in the same vein as this one but you've done it! It's not hard. Just write down what you're thinking and feeling and then edit it later! Come on! You stupid! Ugh!'_

Lobeaux folded himself in half over the desk and blank sheets of paper before him. His writing utensils and inkwell were forgotten for the moment as he moped. It shouldn't have been so difficult to put his thoughts down, he'd done it thousands of times before. With his disability it hadn't been _easy_ by any stretch of the imagination but he had done it. Usually he had Amadoux or Évariste there to help, even Ser Bérenger when he wasn't too busy. But this was too personal and embarrassing, possibly even heretical to certain people.

 _'So why even bother with this then?'_ he thought, pressing the palms of his hands hard into his eyes. _'Why bother even attempting to put down what you're feeling if you think you'll be punished for it?'_

 _'Because this has been on your mind ever since he came to visit you and probably long before then. He's not the first that you've looked at in such a way and he won't be the last. People tolerate your effete ways because you're a useful soldier. If you come right out and say that you_ are _what they_ suspect _then that's it. You're finished. You won't have a home in Ishgard any longer. Whatever honors and titles you've collected will be taken away and your family brought to shame. Your father already looks at you like he's stepped in shit and your mother isn't much better.'_

If Lobeaux pressed any harder on his eyes then he was afraid he'd actually do some damage. He pulled his head up, misty eyed with the promise of more, and picked up the quill again. Very slowly, very carefully, making certain that his words were legible and correctly spelled, he began to write out what had been plaguing him incessantly for weeks. The things he'd been thinking and feeling for years about and for others that he'd kept quiet he was now giving voice to, even if it was quiet.

The words, the beginning of this mess, that made him really start crying were short and simple.

"I like you."

* * *

Ser Breandan,

I like you. When I first joined the Temple Knights and then the Order, you were stern and firm, but not unkind. You didn’t care about what the highborn thought and cared even less that I was raised as a foster son in a noble’s house. I had joined the Temple Knights on Ser Bérenger’s words of my worth and then, by sheer luck, killed a dragon. It catapulted me onto the path of being a Dragoon despite the whispers of naysayers. You didn’t doubt me, young though I was. You treated me as an equal. You were a mentor for me. Your advice helped me then and continues to do so. 

Had I not listened to your wisdom, I’d have landed in far more trouble for my usual recklessness and hotheadedness than even my foster father’s reach could protect me from. I appreciated that then and love you more for it now. 

As Dragoons we are Ishgard’s best, most capable soldiers, and our numbers have never been great. The training to even be considered for such an honorable position is as like to kill us as any Dravanian. It is done to weed out those unfit for the job and to harden us to the fact that Death is beckoning to us as sweetly as any lover. Knowing that, seeing that, experiencing that, it is easy to grow distant and cold with one’s peers out of a sense of emotional self-preservation, or hold them more closely for fear of losing their warmth altogether. 

I chose the latter. 

However I don’t think that the affection I feel for you stems from just the length of time we’ve been friends or the kindnesses you’ve shown me. It’s more than the affection one feels for their brothers-in-arms. 

For a time I was confused. Whenever I even hinted at such a thing to others, that I was feeling more for you than simple friendship, I was told that these were feelings of fealty and brotherhood. That such feelings developed naturally in our line of work. I was able to accept this explanation. I’d never known love of any other so how was I to know differently? I had not the experience to know otherwise. As time went on it was harder and harder to justify what I was experiencing as just that. 

You’re not the first man I’ve felt this way towards. An encounter with another knight while we were both deep in our cups made me realize this. We’d wandered off alone, were sitting together and one thing led to another, though it did not go very far. We both regained our senses fairly quickly before we could walk down a more disastrous road. I haven’t seen the man since and don’t know if he still breathes.

I’m ashamed to admit this attraction to you now, at any time really, as I know that it’s not normal. I’m sorry that I feel this way towards you. I know that it is not a feeling returned. I’ve kept this to myself for all the time we have been friends for fear of rejection or losing your friendship, or worse still, making you uncomfortable. You’re not an imperceptive man so it’s highly likely that you already figured this out for yourself. It’s not as if I was clever or good at hiding my effeminate ways. But in case you didn’t know, you do now. I just couldn’t keep this to myself any longer. Besides that, you deserved to know this before I left Ishgard at the least. 

Thank you, for being a friend, for allowing me to love you as one. 

In sincerity and remorse, your friend, 

Lobeaux Lounent

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So I RP in game and on Discord as my FFXIV character and a friend of mine has agreed to allow my guy to be in an unrequited, one-sided pining crush on theirs. Because I am a cruel god to my creations and angst gives me life.


End file.
